'Magic Mike': Hollywood's Gift To Straight Women and Gay Men Everywhere

No doubt about it, the starting line-up for movies in 2012 is about 100% more promising than the 2011 tripe that was spooned to the masses (disregarding the obvious money-making sequels, which still did little to alleviate our suffering). And amongst the gritty reboots, hardcore dramas, romcom's, and so on is a movie that seems to have been made specifically by Hollywood to woo alienated and discouraged viewers back into the fold- the ones who have a thing for abs, that is. Ladies and gay gentlemen, I give you... 'Magic Mike'.

'Magic Mike' is a movie set in Florida that recounts Channing Tatum's experiences as a nineteen-year-old male stripper. It is directed by Steven Soderberg, written by Reid Carolin and is set to be released in the U.S. on June 29, 2012, but blah blah blah, nobody cares. This could have been directed by an eggplant and written by a monkey: the real reasons to go see it are as follows.

Tatum will be playing his former mentor. For all I know it will be an intense, evocative, emotional role. Also, have you ever seen the boy without a shirt on?

Necessary stats: Age-31, Height-6'1, Married

Matthew McConaughey will be playing Dallas, the former male stripper who now owns Xquisite, the club the movie is set in. Hopefully that won't prevent him from giving his employees a little on-site training- shirtless, of course.

Necessary stats: Age-42, Height-6', has a female 'Partner'

Best-known for his role as a werewolf on True Blood, classically-trained actor Joe Manganiello will be portraying a stripper in Magic Mike. Look forward to the broooad shoulders of this man-mountain escaping thin T-Shirts and tank tops periodically.

Necessary stats: Age-35, Height-6'5, Single

You may recognize Matt Bomer from the TV Show White Collar, in which he plays thief/bad boy Neil Caffrey and manages to pull off a fedora without looking ironic. The show makes up for its distinct lack of regular shirtless scenes with a classy array of suits, skinny ties and... well, Matt himself. He'll be playing a stripper in 'Magic Mike'.

Necessary stats: Age-34, Height-5'11, Sexual Preference-Unclear

Alex Pettyfer will be playing young Tatum. He's suffered a string of movies that didn't impress at the box office; let's hope this isn't one of them. Looking like that, though, I would literally go to see this movie even if he was the only thing in it.

Necessary stats: Age-21, Height-5'11, Single

Obviously there are other actors involved, a plot, etc. etc., but let's not distract from the main point: man candy. June 29. Be there.