8 Phillip Treacy Hats That Make You Proud To Be A Commoner

I admit it, I was among the billions who were watching when Prince William and Kate Middleton exchanged 'I do's. In fact, I was an avid spectator for all things Royal Wedding, though I can at least honestly say that I did not purchase any commemorative Royal Wedding tea bags, life-sized cutouts, or contraceptives (all of which do actually exist). But as an American, and therefore not a native hat-wearer, I could not help but be bemused by the millinery on display. You know what I'm talking about.

But as the wedding wound down and I logged on to the Wonderful World Web (yes, I have a pet name for the internet), I noticed many discussions quickly turning to that pink/beige-ish... hat, for want of a better word. And it turns out the man responsible, Phillip Treacy, is neither con-artist nor epic IRL troll but an actual fashion designer that the world takes seriously. Below I've collected eight more examples of his apparent headwear-related psychosis that will make you proud to be a Commoner, liberated from ridiculous-hat-wearing responsibilities at any and all public functions you might ever attend.

You know how at picnics, barbecues, or particularly cheap bar-mitzvahs dinner/lunch/some combination thereof is often served on paper plates? At some point in the history of the world, someone decided their selection of spare ribs, potato salad, and baked beans would look even more delicious and inviting if the plate were covered with a flock of monarch butterflies in colors previously unrelated to any butterflies you might actually find in nature. After making their dream a reality, they invited Treacy to their barbecue and, as might a toddler, he saw the brightly-colored anomaly on which his food was served and thought to himself "This acid trip would look better on the head of that attractive lady over there."

It is entirely possible that Treacy just really, really hates the female face and is going to great lengths to conceal it/distract from it. Why he needs a chandelier, some sort of pot, and an entire gypsy caravan's-worth of beaded fringe to do that is anyone's guess, but perhaps it also protects the wearer from recognition, which can only be a plus. Places not to wear this hat: anywhere with metal detectors, normal-sized doors, or other people.

National pride can easily cross the line from 'celebratory' to 'horror story', something evident in every culture from every civilization ever. But no over-the-top Fourth-of-July parade or Bastille Day could ever prepare you for this. Flag-themed hats are not exactly a new concept, but this rigid scroll of black, red, and yellow is so far from 'normal' that it may as well have been beamed down from the moon.

Most fashion designers who want to expand their craft choose to make clothing for another part of the body; shoes for your feet, for instance, or belts for your waist. Treacy, tired of the world's fascination with things that make sense, took it one step further and created a glove that caresses your head while somehow also attached to it. And then added the polka-dot pattern to make it really stand out.

Even amongst Phillip Treacy fans there are those who veer away from the color-vomit of the Butterfly Plate, or the disembodied vibe of the Caressing Glove. Luckily he's also got a whole line of feathered creations, apparently inspired by birds who had taken up contortionism while flying too close to several vats of food coloring. And for those extra-finicky customers who think looking like Big Bird from the neck up is still a bit more avant garde than they're comfortable with, he has been kind enough to combine feathers with polka-dots and silk for extra-classiness.

For anyone who has ever been to the beach, shells are instantly nostalgic of days spent building sand castles, getting tans, and having some old-fashioned family fun. This shell-like hat does not evoke those feelings, but suggests that Treacy's beach days have not been spent enjoying all that beaches have to offer, like other people, but wondering "What would happen if there were a snail big enough to eat a woman's face?" The world will (hopefully) never know, but thanks to Treacy we at least have a good idea of what it would look like.

What this could possibly be evocative of, I have no idea. A character in Doctor Who might proudly sport this... whatever it is. One of the characters from one of the future-based alien episodes who don't mind looking funny because, hey, on planet Wudon everyone looks like this. But since we don't look like that on Earth, and in fact NOTHING looks like that on Earth, it would be better to close up the eye-holes and use it as a nice bowl or something.

If you have ever felt the need to stick a large, sparkling moon with a face over your own face, you were either unusually creative in your kindergarten art class or you need psychiatric help. Treacy probably qualifies for the kindergarten option, and certainly qualifies multiple times for the psychiatric help. At least he seems to have found an outlet for his secret, seething hatred of the human face, and that is a human face, but on the moon. Glitter makes everything better.